there's beauty in the breakdown

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 23:16:54 GMT

Last night i got waken up around 2 in the morning to my indian neighbor who i think is a terrorist... he was pounding on my door.. and yelling ahhhh ahhhhhh... i called the cops.... then about an hour later i heard loud pounding and him saying "ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh let me out let me out!!!" i called the police again.... at about 630 i got woken up again.. but this time the police were here...apparantly this indian man was throwing swords and flames out the window and saying "burn this bitch down" the cops held up a gun to him and told him to get the fuck down.. the indiann guy had cuts all over his arms and head and forhead.. pretty creepy. apparantly last thursday he got arrested b.c he went up to java joes (this coffee shop) and cracked a beer bottle over the table and threatened to kill everybody. wow.

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 02:14:52 GMT

its been a very long time....

you dont realize what you have until you loose it

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 21:53:48 GMT

I feel myself on the verge of i dont know what... i really wish sometimes that i was a little kid again.. even middle school would be nice.. im sorry everyone for pusing everyone away from me.. im so sorry and if i could go back in time i would have chaanged things.. im alone now.. just me myself and i... i have ryan and the hope that hes still coming to live with me but i have no friends here and it sucks... i dont know what to do.. the lonliness is too much sometimes.. im coming to new york in a week from today but i know in my head that when i come back it will be the exact same again... i have a huge lump in my throat right now but i cant help it.. i just cant believe everything ive lost in the past year.. i gotta go.
~kel

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 20:39:01 GMT

the libraries in des moines are so cool!

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 22:08:12 GMT

wow... so much changes... like everyday its something new... when and if i come to new york to visit ryan we both need a place to stay because we cant stay at his house.... i really have to come up with something but its pretty much impossible because i dont have enough money for hotels and neither does he.. i miss him so much.. we are so in love and we still want to make this work.. if anyone has any ideas of where me and ryan could possibly stay together for a couple of weeks could you please let me know.. .it will be greatly appreciated by both of us... thank you. hes coming to live in my aparatment with me but not for a while.. we really need to see eachother before then... its already been almost a month that i havent seen him.. my heart is aching.
~kel

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 17:35:32 GMT

Yesterday was my 19th birtday.

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 01:27:47 GMT

God damn its been a while.. so much has happened you wouldnt believe... you know the show 24? thats been my life mostlly the past few months if i were to say everything i would be typing for a good few hours.. over the summer i met the love of my life his name is ryan.. i moved back to iowa last on tuesday and i am moving into my apartment on december 1st which is all set up.. i paid already and everything.. ryan is in rehab now he was using crack and heroin but he has been clean for 2 months which im really proud of him for.. he got out of rehab in mid october but then went back cuz he didnt complete the program on november 10.. ryan is the sweetest guy i have ever met.. honestly he is so nice to me.. and we are so in love.. we never get sick of eachother.. we will be together 24/7 for like 3 weeks straight and still dont get sick of eachother... i love himso much and when we look in eachothers eyes we can feel the love.. its really amazing.. i never thought i would find a guy like ryan and he says he would never find a girl like me... anyway im not gonna write much more cuz i gotta go but i will try to write frequently.
~kelly

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 14:08:27 GMT

okay so i havent posted for a while.. i need to move out of my house NOW... seriously i cant stand living there anymore... im 18 years old but im treated like a 12 year old.. seriously its ridiculous...my friend veronica told me today cuz i got locked out of my house that maybe i could live with her.. shes gonna talk to her mom.. that would be mad chill if i could live with her.... i really hope it works out...my summer has been pretty good as far as summers go.. i went to a lake for a week with my family, and colleen came with me.. we had fun.. ive made a couple new friends... ryan and bobby.. their really cool and i really like bobby and colleen really likes ryan..im going to cape cod with colleen from the 19th to the 26th of august.. and overall its been pretty good.. but it would be a hell of a lot better if i was on my own... well im gonna go now.. wish me luck everyone
~kelly

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 15:18:33 GMT

Holy fucking cow! It is my last day of highschool.. ever! thank God. there were days where i didnt think i would make it, there were days where i wanted to go kill myself and there were days where each day felt like 100 but i did it and i am so proud of myself. I still dont know what is happening yet for this summer and right now i really dont care.. last night i had a happy dream. as i was laying in bed i was thinking about the future and for once it was a good image.. i was 25, just finished off with grad school and i had my own car and my own apartment and for the first time in my life i was happy. im going to rockland tonight and im definately gonna celebrate today with colleen, shes one of the few people in my life who i have this deep care for.. i care about her so much and i have never had a friend like her before. i am going to miss her but i know this isnt permanant and i KNOW that i will be back. i hope to find out soon what is going to happen but for now the only thing i can really do is just enjoy life and make the best of it.. afterall you only have one shot.

CONGRAJULATIONS CLASS OF 2006!!!! WE DID IT!! WHOOOOOO

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 15:30:05 GMT

Okay this whole situation is seriously pissing me off... i need to know whats going on.. this is my life we're talking about and i dont know whats happening next week! this morning i was like minda i have to let my boss know if im gonna be there next week or not and she was like either way your gonna be there...."are you out of your fucking mind" i screamed "you have got to be crazy!!" "theres no way in hell im gonna work next week if im leaving" and she was like then you can find your own place to live today.. she is fucking crazy.. seriously.. are you kidding me.. do you honestly think im gonna work the last week that im here.. no way in hell! she thinks when i go away for the weekends that im like so bad and do all this shit but i really dont. she says if it doesnt work out for me to go next week that we're gonna have to work something out with more structure for the summer cuz she says i dont do well without structure and how i wont be able to go to rockland nearly as much as i do now because she thinks its unhealthy.. i swear to god this bitch is crazy... FUCK YOU MINDA!

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 15:26:10 GMT

ok so things completely changed last night.. now theres a chance i'll go to virginia before july... im panicing.. i dont know if i can do this...help.

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 15:20:47 GMT

i fucked up big over the weekend. i called steve and jerry in california.. the people who are gonna fund my 75, 000 dollar program that was going to go to and told them that i didnt want to go.. so they called minda and left a message saying they weren't going to pay for it. minda and chris were PISSED.. no pissed isnt the word.. i dont know what is.. chris said "congrajulations you just threw away 75, 000 dollars.. i thought 7 thousand was bad"... they said im on my own now and that i had better have a plan by july 15th because i cant live at home anymore.. this sucks so bad, more than you know.. what am i going to do?.... so heres what i did yesterday.. i tried to fix what i so badly messed up...i called steve and told him that i had talked to this girl in the program (which i did) and talked to her for a good half hour about the program and found out alot of stuff that i didnt know and that it doesnt sound that bad and how i need to go to this program and how i know its my only chance to succeed in life and that its the best country and blah blah blah and so i think he changed his mind back.. hopefully... otherwise im screwed big time and i will be homeless on the streets. i just hope every thing works out.... please let it work out.

Tue, 30 May 2006 17:47:34 GMT

Quinn called last night.. it was really good talking to her.. we talked for like a half an hour and got ourselves caught up on everything.. it was so good to hear from her.
I had a really nice weekend..better than most actually.
I love sleeping on guys chests.. its just something i've always loved.. its so comfortable and i feel so loved and safe... "safe in your arms" oh i love it.
chris knows about something i did and i dont know what he knows.. he's like you know what you did.. and i do know lots of things that it could be but i dont know what hes reffering to so im really scared.... he's like "im not as stupid as you think" im so nervous now... theres a chance that if its something like he knows i drink on the weekends that he'll either never give me money again for anything or worse yet not let me go to rockland on the weekends... shit. im gonna try not to stress though until i know for sure what it is... cuz i dont waant to be worrying for nothing ya know? i will probably find out tonight.. i hope. and so i will write tomorrow what it is.. well thats

Wed, 24 May 2006 17:52:00 GMT

okay so i owe alot of money on my credit card bills and it sucks ass.. on one i owe 450 and on one i owe 250 so ill together i owe 700.. 700!! can you believe that.. im never gonna be able to see colleen again!! seriously.. cuz i HAVE to pay this off now.. i can go there this weekend but not the weekend after so that sucks.. the weekend after im hoping she can come see me because the 9th is my last day of school so we're gonna go out to eat on friday night and minda and chris said she can come.. im hoping colleen can get a ride to my house on friday and then we'll drive her home the next day or sunday.. then the next weekend is her birthday and i WILL see her for her birthday.. im savin up colleen :) i want it to be really special for her..but during the summer my paycheck will double so instead of getting 200 every other week i will get 400 every other week.. so hopefully i can pay off my bills in no time... im hoping i dont have to start my program till october like they said but theres still a chance it could be august which is only 3 months away.. im scared... my mom is in the hospital cuz she was malnutritioned and now she cant live on her own anymore so she has to go to this place.. i feel really bad for her and i feel like its partially my fault cuz i havent seen her since last summer and thats the longest i've ever gone without seeing her.. im taking 3 weeks off from work this summer.. 1 for the lake that we go to every year.. oh yea colleens coming!! 1 for maybe going to iowa and 1 for jennifer and tj coming for 5 days so i wont return to work till july 17th.. that will kinda be good but kinda be bad.. good cuz i'll be off from work bad because i wont be getting any money... well thats about all i have to say for now.. im seeing dana on friday which is sooo good and im going to see colleen on saturday till monday so thats amazing.
~kelly

Mon, 22 May 2006 15:36:15 GMT

i'm home now... we left for virginia on thursday.. we got there at like 4 in the afternoon.. we rented a really cool convertible and drove 3 hours to our hotel.. we accidently flew into the wrong airport so instead of just an hour drive it was 3. we finally got to the hotel at like 7:30 and we settled in for a little bit.. then we went to diner at my favorite restaurant which is olive garden.. it was soo good! after dinner we went back to the hotel and went to bed.. the next morning we had to be at the program at 9:30 we met with this guy who gave us the day's scedule.. where minda and chris had to be and at what time and where i had to be at what time.. i did some testing first then i met with this therapist, then we had an hour lunch break, then we had an interview, then i met the kids which was really scary but they were nice.. there were 6 girls who i met.. and i got to ask them questions.. i asked if they liked it there and they seemed to all like it. then i got to see the house where i would be living.. it was really nice.. each girl has their own room.. it kinda reminded me of real world or some reality tv show where they share a house... it ended at 330 and then we left for the airport and our trip ended.. i got to find out a little bit about the program.. each day they have a scedule.. every day you have breakfast at 9 which is an early start for me considering i dont start school till 10, you take a couple college courses at the local college, they give you 50 bucks a week for groceries and like 80 bucks a week for spending money, also they give you taxi money cuz your not allowed to have a car the first few months. so i wouldnt have to work which is the only thing i liked about the program.. it seemed kinda dumb if you ask me. but im gonna go cuz i got accepted.. i will start in october...

Wed, 17 May 2006 15:24:55 GMT

so tomorrow im going to virginia to visit this program... our flight leaves at 2:30 in the afternoon from laguardia.. all day friday is going to be our orientation from like 9-4 so its an all day thing. we're renting a convertible and staying in a hotel.. who knows maybe it will be fun.. i hope so.. im glad im missing 2 days of school and work for it.. change things up a bit. so hopefully it will be an okay trip..

Fri, 12 May 2006 15:14:50 GMT

wow.. what a week.. thank god it is friday. every sigle week i cant wait for friday.. this week was soo slow and i was soo depressed. 2 days this week including today i was late for school cuz i just could not get up in the mornings. i still feel very bad about myself.. im going to rockland tonight to see colleen and jerry.. hopefully that will make me happy.. it always does so i dont see why it wouldnt.. sometimes i dont even want to go.. not cuz i dont want to see them but because i feel so bad about myself that i dont want ANYONE to see me at all. minda still hasnt called in for my cell phone yet and its really starting to piss me off. i mean i gave her the 100 dollars yet she still hasnt called.. when i ask her about it shes like dont ask it just makes me not want to do it at all.. and then i get soo mad! i didnt ask at all last night or this morning so im hoping that she will call today and that way i can have my phone back... next thursday me, minda and chris are going to virginia.. we are gonna take the train and rent a car.. chris says we should rent a really cool car so maybe we'll rent a convertible or something. that would be nice.. we're going thursday after school and coming back friday evening or saturday morning.. probably friday evening.. then on sunday the 21st is colleen's voice recital and so im gonna go to that.. she has such a beautiful voice.. sometimes i really wish that i could sing like that. well i have nothing else really to say now so i guess im gonna go now.. ta ta for now.

Mon, 08 May 2006 10:56:04 GMT

<3 this is col..
kelly &I had a hmm EXTRAVAGANT {if I may say} weekend.. haha omg I'm such a loser..

hmm kelly came late friday nite.. surprised me with green {!!!} nail polish and a stuffed snoopy bear <3
we had to pick up jerry.. then we stayed up til like 3am <3
saturday we went shopppping slash malling.. and ate sandwiches.. lol <3 we are so 'cool' hahaha.
then we went to the mall later that nite.. saw jerrrrrrry.. then I was feeling rather.. ill {HAHAHA} and she got me icecream and little knick knacks lol kelly is definitely going to laugh when she reads this, my choice of words are soo ridiculous.. <3

yesterday.. woke kelly up bright and early.. got breakfast +walked on the pier.. fun times fun times. then we just hungout for the rest of the day.. until we walked from my house to the pier.. omg sooo much walking my ankles hurt soooo bad ughhhh..

just to let everyone know.. kelly is picking me up from school for my birthday {june sixteenth}.. OMG<3.
oh the excitement..

haha what a stupid face.. but KELLY is looking rather pretty<3

alright..
everyone -have a good day<3

I love colleen

Sat, 06 May 2006 06:30:11 GMT

colleen &I

<3
I am currently at colleen's house.
we had fun with the camera.. photoshoot!

Fri, 05 May 2006 15:26:15 GMT

liz is picking me up tonight after work at 6:30 and so that should be good.. i havent seen that girl in like 3 months.. its crazy! then after that im probably gonna go see colleen.. yay! i lost my wallet yesterday. well actually im pretty sure somebody stole it at my job which sucks..now i have to get a new liscence, debit card and checkbook.. i was soo pissed. AND i had 8 bucks in there! damn. well thats about it for now. ill post monday about my weekend.

Wed, 03 May 2006 16:15:37 GMT

I hate this. Honestly im so sick of living this mediocre life.. no its not even.. it sucks.. and its just gonna get worse i know it.. it has to get worse.. im gonna grow up, work for the rest of my life and pay bills, nothings ever gonna get better and it sucks.. those people who say "these are the best years of your life" well i used to think they were full of shit but ya know what, they're right.. those people who say "things will get better" well i hate to break it to you but they're a bunch of liars.. if anything it will get worse.. it has so far. Everyday is the same.. the only good part about my life are the weekends when i get to see colleen and jerry and now jerrys at work all the time so scratch that i dont even get to see him.. im going away in august to some fucking gay ass program that i dont even want to do, this shit is ridiculous.. honestly it is. i dont know how im gonna last, i really dont. i probably have at least 60 more years of this bullshit.

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 14:51:43 GMT

things arent going so good for me... self-esteem wise anyway.. i have none whatsoever... i look in the mirror and see fat and ugliness.. i cant stand it.. everyday when i look in the mirror i cry.. sometimes even if its at school... i dont like anyone even to look at me.. if they do i think their thinking how ugly i am... im seeing jerry tonight and im dreading it because i dont want him to look at me.. i feel so fat in front of him even though he tells me im not and that i should gain weight which is the stupidist thing that i have ever heard in my life. im 23 pounds over what i want to weigh...im 108 and i want to be 85... 108 is WAY to heavy for someone my height cuz im only 5'2.. im sorry im telling you all this its just that whenever i tell someone they say something like "your fine" but im not.. im really not fine at all and i hate it. one person actually was honest and said "your just a little fat" i was happy actually that SOMEONE told me the truth..

i love kelly {she is my life}

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 21:32:31 GMT

okay so this is colleen.. I HACKED into kelly's livejournal.. lyke oh em gee.

this girl, kelly.. is amazing. she is beautiful, has an amazing soul.. and the biggest heart of anyone I've known.. I love her insane amounts.. and will miss her TONS when she goes off to college.. but it's a great opportunity to meet new people and grow. tear :'( I MISS HER ALREADY. but.. I will always be here.. and I'm never going anywhere.. and I know she's really not going far either.

Oh how we have grown
The times weren’t always easy
But hearts and minds revive
Now thoughts of you consume me and I wanted you to know
You’re the brightest shining star I’ve ever seen
Oh how blessed we to share in everything
Life before was cold, cold and empty
Every time I see your face I’m reminded
Of what it means to be alive

The miles will pull apart
And I will not lose sight of the gift that I’ve been handed
Been blessed so much but why?
I feel so undeserving but I wanted you to know…

You’re the brightest shining star I’ve ever seen
Oh how blessed we to share in everything
Life before was cold, cold and empty
Every time I see your face I’m reminded
Of what it means to be alive

All for you…
It makes me want to try!
All for you…
To give you everything
All for you…
It makes me want to try!
All for you…
I’ll honor you forever
Like a sun that never sets
The brightest shining star

You’re the brightest shining star I’ve ever seen
Oh how blessed we to share in everything
Life before was cold, cold and empty
Every time I see your face I’m reminded
Of what it means to be alive

kelly,
I just want you to know.. you keep me alive in times of despair and heartbreak. this is going to sound ridiculous but most times, I live for you. you are so so wonderful..

I wish you saw what I see when I look at you.
someone amazing, alive, enchanting..

<3
-col

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 15:54:35 GMT

i am an emotional roller coaster.. one day im happy and think my life is going well and the next i hate my life and want to die... im so ugh i dont know. im going to visit this place in virginia on may 19th.. if anyone wants to see where im going to be going its www.newlifestyles.net. jennifer and tj are coming to visit me in july so im really happy about that.. my last day of school is june 9th and i honestly cannot wait.

i dont want to go

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 17:49:28 GMT

so me and chris had a talk last night.. basically i have to go away in the fall.. like i dont have a choice any more "it will be good for you" he said.. i dont want to go away though i want to stay here....oh my god this sucks... she called me last night.. it was weird hearing from her again.. really weird
tomorrow im going to connecticut to mike and sandys house.. colleen is coming too.. im picking her up early in the morning..well i have nothing else really to say.. i guess im just going to try to have as much fun as i can for the last 4 months that im here....